BlogHer '12 is a mere few days away. In preparation, I've put myself on a special diet and in the name of community and all things good, I'm sharing. My plan involves Milano cookies, nail polish in the shade of Fungus, and many other breakthrough concepts.
The Unofficial BlogHer Pre-Conference Diet
• Stand in front of your closet. Realize you have nothing great to wear. Go to Shoebuy.com and order two new pair of shoes. Your feet are admirably slender; no muffin top there.
• Sit at kitchen table, flipping through the 114-page BlogHer '12 Conference Guide. Whoa. Down half a bag of Pirate's Booty within the first eight pages.
• Run around attic searching for luggage you need for packing. Not there. Run down to basement and roam around. Not there. Wonder how it is possible to lose a gigantic piece of luggage in your own home. Run back up to attic and look around more. Oh. There it is. Calories burned: 55.
• Read that there are going to be some 4000 people attending BlogHer. Consume half a sleeve of Pepperidge Farm Double Chocolate Milano Cookies in anxiety.
• Pack Spanx.
• Repeatedly and obsessively check #BlogHer12 hashtag on Twitter. Calories burned: 0.
• Polish your toes, in anticipation. The color is supposed to be sheer blue and yet, it goes on looking like you have a toe fungus. "What do my toes look like?" you ask your 7-year-old, hoping it's not as bad as you think. "It looks like you have disgusting toes," she says. Wear closed-toe shoes to work for several days until you have time to change the color. Realize that looking at fungus-colored toes is an excellent appetite depressant. Decide that if you need appetite control at BlogHer, you can return here and stare at this photo.
• OMG! OMG! Find out that the program you do work with, CVS Caremark All Kids Can, is sponsoring the Blogging About Your Child With Special Needs panel you're moderating! And they'll be in the audience! Consume other half of sleeve of Double Chocolate Milanos.
• Ponder if, for any conference event, it could be OK to wear your amazingly flattering black yoga pants. Of course! The Come as You Are party! Maybe?
• Wonder how many calories you will burn trotting around the Expo, which this year is in three different halls. Admit they might be offset by food samples consumed. A S'mores Suite?!
• Think about all the great friends you will be seeing at BlogHer. Vow not to stand next to any of the really svelte ones in photos.
• Type up detailed list for husband of activities to do with kids while you are away and pointers on childcare, including reminders such as "bathe the kids" and "if they want ice-cream for breakfast, you can say no." Calories burned from rapidly pounding the keyboard: 9.
• Give up all carbs for several days pre-BlogHer, out of desperation. Get so grouchy husband and children can't wait for you to leave.
There now. Don't you feel good?
• Ponder if, for any conference event, it could be OK to wear your amazingly flattering black yoga pants. Of course! The Come as You Are party! Maybe?
• Wonder how many calories you will burn trotting around the Expo, which this year is in three different halls. Admit they might be offset by food samples consumed. A S'mores Suite?!
• Think about all the great friends you will be seeing at BlogHer. Vow not to stand next to any of the really svelte ones in photos.
• Type up detailed list for husband of activities to do with kids while you are away and pointers on childcare, including reminders such as "bathe the kids" and "if they want ice-cream for breakfast, you can say no." Calories burned from rapidly pounding the keyboard: 9.
• Give up all carbs for several days pre-BlogHer, out of desperation. Get so grouchy husband and children can't wait for you to leave.
There now. Don't you feel good?
Photo: Flicker/sea turtle
