Rick Santorum has come under fire for campaigning with a daughter who has such significant issues. "Her life is measured in days and weeks," he said at a dinner speech in October, going on to acknowledge how often he'd been on the road. "I feel like I wouldn't be a good dad if I wasn't out here fighting for a country that would see the dignity in her and every other child," he added. Santorum is opposed to health-care reform legislation, which he considers a threat to kids like Bella, even though the law's supporters note that it would help children with disabilities or illness because insurance companies will no longer be able to impose annual or lifetime limits on coverage.
Last month, when Christiane Amanpour interviewed him, she asked how he can justify continuing his campaign, given his low poll ratings and his daughter's situation. "Well, I don't worry about the polls," he told her. "I worry about what I'm trying to do to be the best father and best husband I can be."
Sarah Palin came under fire in 2008 for running for office with young kids, including Trig, who has Down syndrome. Nasties called Trig a "prop," and the same has been said of Bella. Yet Rick Santorum has zoomed the spotlight onto something many of us grapple with: having a work life and caring for a child with special needs.
The family/work conflict Santorum is facing is extreme, to be sure. He has a child with a rare and serious condition, and his job is trying to be our next president. And yet, his situation is common to many of us who work and have kids with special needs. Like Santorum, you are often torn between the two—and sometimes criticized for your choices.
I returned to my job as a magazine editor when Max was three and a half months old, with the agreement that I could work from home on Fridays. We hired a wonderful nanny. Of course I had major reservations about leaving Max; he'd had a stroke at birth, and he was at risk for all sorts of delays and problems. But I had a lineup of therapy sessions in place, including ones on Friday and Saturday. I thought it would be healthy for me to not be home all the time, given the extreme anxiety I had. I welcomed the distraction of work and the potential to feel in control of something, because I felt so helpless about making Max "better." Also, I liked my work. I had always planned to be back in the office after my maternity leave, and I didn't let Max's special needs derail me.
My parents were blatantly dubious about my decision. "Don't you want to take off more time to be with him and help him?" a close friend asked, her disapproval implicit. I was thrown. Yes, I wanted to help my son. Desperately. No, I did not think I had to be at home with him every weekday to do that. "I think I'll be a better mother if I work," I told her, and left it at that.
I worked full-time until Max was almost 7, when I got laid off. It was a welcome severance and I've stuck with freelance ever since. But I do not regret having worked when Max was younger. It was the right thing for me to do.
Rick Santorum feels that the right thing for him to do is campaign for the presidency. While I don't agree with his politics, I respect his decision. Santorum is showing the world that parents of kids with special needs are like any parents: We don't always sacrifice our work lives for the sake of our children, nor should we be expected to. Contrary to popular belief, we are not saints. Holding us to a higher standard of morality only makes us more likely to be denounced for making real-world choices.
As parents of kids with special needs, we sometimes face tougher predicaments than other moms and dads. Still, that doesn't give people the right to question our decisions—or our love for our children.
Photo: Campaign ad screen shot
