So, today I told you guys why I was driven to go all out on the car wash I made for Max. But after I read the "You're a great mom!" comments here and on Facebook, I realized I'd left out one thing:
This costume was brought to you by guilt. The guilt that I don't do enough for Max.
Let me just say, I know I am a good mom—or, on many days, a good-enough mom. But then there's the fact that I work. And that Max has a fair number of challenges he needs help overcoming. And that there are many therapeutic things I could be doing for him, adaptive activities I could be exploring for him, computer apps and programs I could be looking into for him, stuff I could be programming into his iPad and Proloquo2Go for him. And that there is a whole lot of stuff I don't get to in a week, even though I still manage to blog. And that often, I just desperately want to relax and enjoy Max and not think about anything but the fact that he is a sweet, fun-loving, supercute kid who gives me lots and lots of kisses.
I want weekends off from special needs.
I've quit feeling bad for not doing every single thing therapists recommend. I know that a lot of benefits come through just playing with Max. Max is going to be eight next month (!!!), and he's made incredible progress, especially this past year. But still, I wonder...
What else can I do for him????????????
How much can I help???????????
I spent a lot of time making that Halloween costume because I knew there would be a payoff: Max's happiness. The car wash was something concrete, a feat I could for sure pull of with my imagination and my hands (not to mention a boatload of duct tape).
All that other stuff: No do-this-then-this-and-the-result-will-be-that payoff.
I am proud of that costume.
I am beyond happy Max loved it.
I'm still working on the satisfaction of knowing I'm doing the best I can.
