The video that should have won for Best Female Video of the Year

Dear MTV Video Music Awards,

I am writing to you to express my outrage and shock over the events of Sunday night. Why, I ask you, was the following never nominated for Best Female Video of the Year? Talk about controversy!

I sent you copies of the tape, which was directed by the one and only Steven Spielberg. Or was it Paula Abdul? I can't recall. I roped in Jason Wu, the guy who created Michelle Obama's inaugural gown, to design the ultraglamourous pink outfit—no wardrobe malfunction there, you will note! I had a celeb hairstylist do those loose cascading curls. There was even a world-renowned backup singer on hand. OK, so he didn't sing.

Furthermore, MTV, what is up with airing the show so much past bedtime?

As her publicist, it's my obligation to inform you: You picked the wrong girl.