In the hospital after Max was born, I had a conversation with Dr. Gloom one day (or was it Dr. Doom? I can't recall, they were interchangeable).
Me: "I still can't believe what we've been through. I feel like this is going to change my whole personality."
Dr. Gloom: "It will."
I've never forgotten that conversation. Clearly, when your child has a major stroke at birth, it's going to upend your existence. I really was a different person those first few months after Max's birth, a combination of postpartum depression and plain old depression. I was the mopiest mope who ever moped. But has my personality permanently changed? This being tax season and all, I've decided to take inventory of myself. Here goes:
Me, before Max:
* Bubbly, upbeat, loved to laugh
* Outgoing
* Determined
* Good advice-giver
* High-energy
* Worrier
* Loved to dance
* Hardly ever cried
* Incapable of going to sleep before midnight
* Spontaneous
* Liked to eat peanut butter out of the jar
* Generally enthusiastic about life
Me, after Max:
* More serious, but still plenty upbeat (and still laughing lots)
* Outgoing
* Determined (especially when it comes to doing stuff for Max)
* Good advice-giver
* High-energy (with a little help from iced coffee)
* Professional worrier
* Loves to dance (even if it's just to Laurie Berkner or Justin Roberts)
* Cries at times about what happened to Max
* Incapable of going to sleep before midnight
* Less spontaneous (though this is any parent, no?)
* Likes to eat peanut butter out of the jar
* Generally enthusiastic about life
Bottom line: I'm somewhat more serious now and more of a worrier (shocker!). And while I get bummed about what happened to Max, what I feel is an occasional pang of sadness, not the streaming current of despair that flowed through me throughout that first year of Max's life. I am basically still me. And my tombstone shall surely read, "Here lies Ellen and her jar of Skippy Super Chunk."
Care to share your own inventory?
